Friday, September 18, 2009

bridesmaid this

As you are probably aware, I am a bridesmaid in a wedding that is just a few weeks away (ack, I still have to have my dress altered and book a flight, among other things!)

Yesterday, a bridesmaid was let go. Yes, as in, fired, voted off the island, asked not to be a bridesmaid. It was actually long time coming and happened with good reason, though I have mixed feelings. I only met this girl once, at the shower. The thing is, she and the bride are not really even friends. The girl (we'll call her Bea) is dating a guy we'll call Frank, who is a good friend of the groom. The bride is not friends with Bea though, for various reasons that we won't get into. She's just not a nice girl. She doesn't treat people well at all. She's selfish, immature and uncouth. She says things without thinking about how people may take them, and doesn't apologize when she says something offensive. She had been saying awful things about the bride all over myspace and facebook, not realizing that the bride would obviously see them, since she could see her pages. She has not been at all helpful to the bride in any way and has complained nearly every step of the way, making innapropriate comments and such. She was also more than an hour late to the MA shower and at the CT shower, she sat in the corner and sulked the entire time, never once speaking to anyone else, including the bride!

As you can imagine, things are now a bit sticky. Frank has dropped from the wedding party and the two may not even come at all. Of course, the groom isn't happy and neither is the bride, but she's more upset because she's feeling blamed for all of this. I know I've left out many details of this, but it's a long and complicated story!

My question is this. Would you ever expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid simply because your boyfriend/husband was in the wedding party, if you weren't very close to the bride? If you were the bride, would you ask a groomsman's girlfriend to be in your wedding party? Most importantly, how would you handle this? Would you have fired the bridesmaid?


Jess said...

I would never ever expect to be in anyone's wedding except my sister's. I don't even think that opposite-sex siblings need to be asked. Certainly not wives or girlfriends of groomsmen. That's really pushing it.

As far as asking her to step down... I don't know. I would have talked it over with my fiance and decided if it was worth the potential fallout with the bridesmaid's boyfriend, who sounds like he was an actual friend. It might have been worth just dealing with her to preserve the other friendship.

Rachel H. said...

I would never even ask one of Grant's friends girlfriends or wives to be in our wedding. I wouldn't have asked her to step down no matter what if I had already asked her, because I just couldn't do it, because I hate conflict, but I just wouldn't do it in the first place. And how can anyone "expect" to be in someone's wedding...that's so crazy!

Megan said...

Oh. My. God. Ok, I have never been in a wedding other than my mother's (when I was about 15-- junior bridesmaids, what UP), but my own wedding is just about 3 weeks away, so I feel like I can comment on this. My fiance has been in a couple weddings (including, most recently, his sister's), and I wasn't asked to take part in the wedding. I attended as a guest, and never had any expectation that I would be included in the wedding party; this extends to our own wedding, where there are a couple groomsmen with girlfriends who are just coming as guests...and we never even considered asking them to be bridesmaids! I don't think that brides or grooms are under any obligation to include anyone (even siblings, if they aren't particularly close), and it sounds like this girl has been a complete terror.

Asking someone to step down as a member of the wedding party, especially given this girl's behavior, is definitely a sticky situation...but absolutely, absolutely allowable and, it sounds like, justified. It's a shame that her boyfriend (the actual "friend" in this situation) decided to step down as well, but I think that falls into the category of Things About a Wedding That You Just Can't Control.

Polka Dots & Protein Bars said...

I am just shocked that Bea was even asked!!! I know friends who are dating members of wedding parties and simply go as guests. I don't think there should ever be an expectation that they be included in the party.

Ohmygoshi said...

Uh, a big fat NO to expecting to be in a wedding that my bf or husband was in. Would I expect to be invited as a +1 at the least? okay, yeah, but certainly not PART of the wedding! ESPECIALLY if I wasn't even good friends with the bride.

Bea does not sound like a nice person, and quite frankly, I don't feel bad for her in the slightest. The bride should have put her foot down in the beginning and said no way! Poor thing should not be feeling bad about this!

I hope things work out for the bride and groom and their day goes off with as little drama as possible!

Mel said...

I wouldn't expect to be part of someone elses wedding b/c my bf was in.

I would like to be invited to a wedding though I haven't been to a wedding all year!

Melanie said...

I agree with the others; I would have never asked "Bea" to be in the wedding. Not that that makes it the bride's fault that this has turned out to be such a sticky situation, she was probably trying to be thoughtful when she asked "Bea" to be a bridesmaid.

Lacey Bean said...

She definitely shouldnt have been expected to ask "Bea" to be a bridesmaid at all. And if she was asked, and then was being an awful person, like it sounds, I would have told her to go too, after talking it over with my fiance first.

Hope the situation blows over soon for your friend.

Maris said...

Yup - I am headed out bridesmaid dress-shoe shopping as soon as I have my coffee!

I think it's pretty par the course not to include husbands/siblings. I am in my cousin's wedding (b-maid)but my brother isn't a groomsman because he he barely knows her fiancee. He probably feels a little left out (the only other guy is the bride's brother and then girl cousins) but it makes total sense.

These things are always tricky - hope it all gets worked out!

alyndabear said...

Yipes! I wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding to begin with.. awkward! I can't imagine trying to plan a wedding with basically strangers in the bridal party. Crazy.

Anonymous said...

i'm not a supporter of just asking people to be a bridesmaid for the sake of having them in the party. you should never feel obligated to ask someone, you should ONLY have those people up there with you that you can't imagine getting married without!!
at least that's my opinion : )

kanishk said...

don't think there should ever be an expectation that they be included in the party

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Anonymous said...

sorry for commenting on posts completely late but I've finally caught up!

First off - I never EVER expect to be part of anyone's wedding unless asked. Weddings are so personal and people should choose who they want to be in their wedding because they truly want them to be part of it and not out of obligation.

That said, I have been un-asked to be part of a wedding party (well, actually she never came out and said so much but told me I would maybe like other duties). It was pretty low and I didn't do mean things like this ex-bridesmaid seemed to have done. And quite honestly she probably felt obligated to ask me to be part of her wedding because she was MOH in mine (when she asked me to be part of hers she prefaced it by saying "I asked [fiance's] sister to be MOH because she's going to be family" as if I'd be hurt that I wasn't her MOH. She didn't need to qualify it - I was just honored to be a bridesmaid and part of their day! (long story short but I got an invitation to her shower which I was on vacation during and never received a wedding invitation. and we havne't spoken since she told me at my birthday dinner that I should think what my duties in the wedding should be)

Weddings are high stress sometimes and yes, you do lose friendships over them on occassion (unfortunately). But was the friendship really worth it if people can't cooperate and be friends and supportive during a time that should be fun, happy, and full of love?