Wednesday, May 12, 2010

question du jour- wedding etiquette

Several weeks ago, I mentioned the weddings I have this year. Two have passed (and were lovely!) and more remain. The next is one week from today (!!!), and then July, August, October and November.
In August, I have a wedding in London, ON, which I also mentioned. As I said, Steve cannot go, as he's out of town. I really want to be there, as I'd feel horrible about missing this one, but then attending the second one in London, in November. I asked opinions, and you were about split- some thought I should go alone, some didn't.

Here's the thing. I know that I am invited with Steve. The save-the-date card was addressed to both of us, so I assume the wedding invitation will follow suit. Since I know that I am invited with a "plus one," would it be awful of me to talk to the bride and let her know that Steve can't come, but ask if I could bring a friend instead? Is that a rude thing to do? It's not as if I'd show up with someone if I wasn't invited with a guest, but since I will be, it isn't anyone extra and I don't know that it would really mess up things like seating charts and whatnot. Also, the bride and groom have not met Steve, if that makes a difference.

I'd just feel far more comfortable with someone there with me. I certainly don't mind going to events alone, I love spending time alone, but an overseas (sort of!) wedding by myself
just doesn't seem super fun. I'll know a few people at the wedding, mainly just the family, but of course, they will be busy, so I won't be spending much time with them,
which I understand, of course!

What do you think?


Anonymous said...

If it were my wedding and I addressed an invitation as "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and Mrs. Smith couldn't come, and Mr. Smith asked for a replacement I would think it's rude; the Wedding isn't paying for you and a guest to attend--they want to share a specific memory with people they love--and addressed the invitation to reflect that. If they didn't care who you brought they would have put "and guest." I do think it's rude to ask because you don't want to be "that guest," and add to the Bride's stress... but with all that said, maybe your friends are more chill than me! And I'm probably taking it to the umpteenth extreme. But as a former bride who got frustrated when people wanted "exceptions" I can only speak from where I know. I bet you the most recently married friend would have a much more chill opinion on this!!

dating diva said...

If you and Steve were invited and you bring a "Steve stand-in" I think it should be fine. You said they haven't met him so it doesn't seem like it would make that much difference from a planning standpoint. Most of the weddings I've worked on in the past have had a pretty lax guest policy, but that's just typical of my group of friends. However, if you want to be on the safe side you could just call and ask.


Meg said...

In my opinion, there would be nothing wrong with bringing a friend in Steve's stead -- especially since you're traveling from so far away!

I would think the bride and groom would want you to be happy and not feel uncomfortable and, especially since they haven't met Steve, it's not a big deal.

But that's my opinion, of course, and I have yet to plan a wedding... so I might become a psycho when planning my own someday. Haha! Oh my.

Heidi said...

i kind of agree with anamarie on this one. I had a friend who was invited with guest and them him and his "guest" broke up so he put a message out on facebook asking for a date. So i had to confront him and make him feel bad.

If it was "and guest" i would say go for it. But anamarie is right, couple's put together guest lists with people they want to share their memories with. I think asking to bring a friend would seem kind of not super rude but slightly insensitive.

But! If your friend is super laid back? then ask :) She might not care :)

Crissy said...

General rule of thumb- if it's addressed to you AND GUEST feel free to bring anyone.

If it is addressed to you and Steve bringing a stand in looks tacky. That being said this can be gotten around if you know the bride really well. If you are good friends with her explain the situation in detail and then ask her what she thinks you should do - after all it is her wedding. If she is a good friend and gracious bride she will understand and sanction your request. If not- well you have your answer.

I know this is a very round about way of answering the question but I hope it helps you out!

Lacey Bean said...

If it's addressed to you and Steve, it would be kind of tacky to bring someone else. You could wait for the official invitation and then talk to the bride and explain how you feel about going alone.

Kathleen said...

I think it's perfectly acceptable to bring another guest. If you weren't with Steve surely your invitation would have said "...and guest". I'd just include a note with the invitation response.

Miss Janice said...

No, it is not appropriate to bring a friend instead of the invited guest on the list. I once hosted a dinner party for 50 guests in Palm Springs, Cal. One of the gents left his wife at home, brought a friend and CROSSED OUT his wife's name on the placecard, writing in his friend's name. I was mortified!