Thursday, June 10, 2010

flower power?

Remember Steve's ex? The one that I met, but still greatly dislike? Well, she's back again.

It seems that her birthday was the other day and my sweet boyfriend decided to send her birthday flowers and balloons to say happy birthday.


He and I were at dinner that night and he mentioned that he spoke to her, as it was her birthday, so he called to say happy birthday. The next day (yesterday) I was on facebook and glanced at his page (because someone commented on something I said) and I saw a photo of a bouquet of flowers with balloons attached with the following comment-

My birthday balloons and flowers from Steve! Kitty thought they tasted great, btw.

She posted the photo and tagged him for all the world to see!


First I was a bit shocked. Why is he sending flowers to another girl, and why did he fail to mention it to me when he said it was her birthday?!

I'm not sure if I am more upset that he sent the flowers to begin with, or that he failed to tell me about them and I had to find out via facebook and look like a jackass when people (ie, my sister) have asked why MY boyfriend is sending flowers to another girl.

(shouldn't her boyfriend be pissed too!?)

(he's not- he doesn't care)

(mid-westerners are so weird....)

We talked about it, and he doesn't think it is a big deal. They are friends, he says, nothing more, and she is far from a threat to me, but really, that isn't the point, is it? He sees it as a friendly gesture, not something romantic at all and said he won't send them anymore if it bothers me, which clearly it does.

What do you think? Am I over-reacting? What would you do/say/feel/think if this were you?


Anonymous said...

I'd flip out.

No joke. I've been with a guy who wasn't over his ex, and pulled crap like that...and let's just say, now he's an ex.

Not to say anything about your current relationship, you guys seem great together, but I wouldn't be happy at all about that situation.

Meg said...

I'd like to say I would be all cool, calm and collected about it but, like Anonymous said, I'd flip the eff out. For reals. And the fact that she posted a photo of them on FB -- and tagged him? The hell? Yeah, I'd be having a meltdown.

As you said, I'm sure Steve merely sees it as a friendly gesture... but the rest of the world and you, his lovely girlfriend? Not so much.

KatiePerk said...

I think I would be upset. Especially if he didn't tell me and I found out via FB. That being said, I am still close with one or two of my exes and still do something nice or call them on their bdays. But my husband knows and is their friend too.

dating diva said...

I would be upset too. At least he said he will stop since it bothers you. It's probably not romantic since he doesn't mind you knowing and agreed to stop.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to preface this by saying that I am an insanely jealous human being.

That having been said, I would be royally pissed the eff off for a couple of reasons.

First, that my bf gave flowers to another girl. Flowers are for two women in a man's life in my opinion: his partner and his mother. So I'd be freaking out and comparing myself to that girl because, again, I am insanely jealous and highly illogical when jealous.

Second, I'd be pissed that this chick (that's putting it nicely in my book, my mouth would be like a sailor's IRL when describing her) posted the pictures of it and tagged my bf for all of our friends and the interweb to see. I would feel like she is attacking me and minimizing my role in my bf's life by having done so and I would be insanely mad at her for that act.

Again, I am insanely jealous and have a person in mind when thinking of this situation with my husband as the male actor, so I'm really illogical!

But, if he says he's going to do it again in the future and simply mentions it to you, that'd be fine, everyone works their relationship in their own way and I'm sure you two will be alright - I'm sorry and hope you're alright!

Lacey Bean said...

I'm sorry, but friend or not, if Dave sent flowers or whatever to an ex-girlfriend, I'd be super pissed off. That's not appropriate!! If he wasn't dating anyone sure, but not when he's in a serious relationship with someone else!

Liz @ Dogs and Wine said...

Okay, I'm going to be in the minority on this one. I hope I'm not lynched.

Do I sympathize with your feelings? Absolutely. We all have those moments where we rage and get hateful about the exes of a significant other. And I can definitely understand the reaction to flowers and balloons being sent to an ex.

That said, I think this is an overreaction.

When you put it in perspective, it's so easy nowadays to, with a quick click of a mouse button, send flowers and balloons.

Even though he and I are not best buds or anything like that, Steve has always struck me as a nice guy and a true gentleman. He's not really screaming deceit and ill will. Not in the least.

And then you have to remember how different your birthday was, and how special he made it for you. All of us cloistered away at Bluemont, gifts, balloons, a cake from Cake Love. There is a distinct difference between what he did for her and what he did for you.

It's a matter of perception, I get that. But in the end, while he needs to respect your feelings, there needs to be some respect about people he has in his life.

My ex, when we were dating and living together, was very close with his ex. They had dated for years. In fact they had been engaged. But it didn't work out. They moved on. She was with someone else and he was with me. For birthdays and occasions, while we were together, they sent each other gifts. Sometimes they were sentimental.

At first I was not happy. It's an ex! She's an ex for a reason, I would say! But as time wore on, I would see that just because you break up with someone doesn't mean you break all ties or lose the friendship aspect.

Eventually she and I started talking, and I felt so bad. It was one of many lessons I learned in my early 20s. Soon she would send gifts to both of us and sometimes just to me. Some people just mean well. It's not nefarious. They just want to brighten someone's day.

That very same ex and I are now good friends. Patrick knows that while we do talk a great deal, he is a friend and only that. And he gets that I'm not in love with him, but that he and I are close, and he respects that. Same with him. He has an ex from a few years back that he still talks to. Do I sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy? Of course, but in the end I think it's really great that he's that guy. He's the gentleman. He's not the asshole who bad mouths his exes until the cows come home.

I think we all say "she's an ex for a reason," over and over again, but I don't think we take it to heart. They aren't together anymore. They aren't emotionally involved in that way. It's just a friendship and nothing more.

Those are my two cents. I hope they aren't too unpopular.

Sarah Beth - Dixie Gator Gal said...

I would not be ok with that either, and I am pretty liberal in that department. Just let him know in a calm way that you were uncomfortable about the flowers. They have a certain stigma attached to them, even if he doesn't see it that way...

But also, since it seems he doesn't see it this way, "keep calm and carry on." No need to make a huge deal out of it, hopefully next year - he won't even remember it's the ex's birthday!

Anonymous said...

Is this the first year that he sent her flowers and balloons (or any gifts) on her birthday while you two have been together? Or, has he been doing it every year since they broke up?

I would not like it either. At all.

Mel said...

Okay my initial thought is Flup out. Which I would probably a few hours before I would see him.

IRL I would have to say something to the effect of "I saw on FB that you were tagged in pictures of flowers to (ex)". I know you guys are still friends but I feel weird about my man sending flowers to someone that he used to see naked on the regular basis".

And see where he goes with it. I don't think you are an insanely jealous person, but seriously? As much fun as it would be to go crazy in him it won't help anything. You don't want to be "that girl".

Good luck. :)

Rachel said...

Yeah, I'd be furious. While I understand how easy it is to send flowers now, it's a gesture that means a lot. A phone call is one thing, but flowers? Nuh uh. I'm sure his intention was not malicious, but it was still a bit thoughtless in regard to your feelings about it. And not mentioning it when he said he called her feels deceptive to me, whether it was intended to be or not. Hopefully he understands how you feel and will refrain from doing so again. Good luck!

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Wow, Steve definitely just went down a few points in my scale. I can see a card or email if they're still friendly.... but flowers and balloons? That seems a bit much to me but maybe he's a super nice guy?! Still she sounds like a bitch trying to rub it in your face with the photo tag on FB. That's just odd and not something that normal people need to do (show off their stuff).

Anyway, Hugs to you. I hope you get some clarity over the situation or at least feel better about what went down. I'll be thinking of you.

Elizabeths Attic said...

My comment (as a 57 year old been there done it twice over)and i hope you get to read it is - Stay calm, don't rise to the bait or she will be the winner. Let it pass right over you and it will make him think why is she not bothering...He will then be wrong footed... Maybe mention an old boyfriend just in passing mind...
Beverley x UK based

Annie said...

OMG! That is so not right! You have all the right in the world to be upset. I would be livid and don't know that I'd want to be with someone like that. A simple happy birthday email should have been all he did. Ahh! Boys!

Mrs. Potts said...

I wouldn't be happy about it. I also read some of the comments & something that Liz pointed out stuck in my head. He did your birthday up way differently. A lot more thought & care went into it.

I still wouldn't be happy about it though. Probably because Mr. Potts has dated some crazies in his past & they'd take that gesture WAY wrong.

Shoshanah said...

I would definitely think it would be a little awkward. Although there are people who are able to turn an ex-relationship into a true friend. But I'm definitely not one of them, and I guess lucky for me my boyfriend isn't either.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

First of all - your third paranthetical statement cracked me up.

But seriously - this is a no-brainer. It's not so much that it's a big's that it's WEIRD! Does he send presents to his guy friends on their birthdays? What about his MOM? Did he send her flowers and balloons on her last birthday? No? That's what I thought. Well...maybe he's good about honoring mom on her big day...but you get my point.

Sandra - If it comes in pink said...

No, you're not overreacting...I would do the same! Especially since he didn't say anything. I hope you can sort it out!