sigh

Remember that Def Leppard song, "Two Steps Behind?" That is more or less how I am feeling lately...not behind someone, per se, but behind something...

Last night I set my alarm before bed, as I always do. I noticed that I had two bars of power, rather then three, but figured I was okay. Yeah, not so much. The battery died overnight and the phone shut itself off, causing the alarm to not go off. I was in the middle of a dream, which I still remember much of (don't get me talking about that!) when I woke up in a start, blinked and looked around and had no idea where I was. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 8:23am.

Yeah, oooops.

I just feel like I can't get ahead. I'm working on a second Masters degree. I have some really interesting job experience, in various capacities, and nobody ever seems to call me back about the resumes I send out. I am more then qualified for nearly everything I apply for. It's so frustrating to me. I certainly didn't expect to have my dream job by now, but I don't think its too much to ask to be slightly challenged and happy with your current job.

I just don't like how these things constantly affect my mood. I go between blissfully happy one day to miserable the next. My classes are wonderful, I love being there and hearing the discusssions that are taking place. I feel inspired by what people say and by the things I read. Then I wake up the next morning and realize that I have to go to work, rather then do the things I want to, like build libraries in Albania. Now that is worthwhile.

I used to be a happy person. Now I feel so cynical most of the time. I don't know what happened to that idealistic little girl along the way.

You can run but you can never hide, from the shadow that's creepin' up inside you....