jumping onto the blog carnival

Since everyone else is doing it, I thought I'd play too...

“This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!”

Here is one of the first posts that I wrote, a bit over a year ago. I haven't been blogging for too long, but I like this post because it still speaks to me. Also, it is appropriate, as July 4 will be my five year anniversary of living here in DC, which is crazy when I think about it. Like I said then, and have said again recently, I still wonder what I am doing here some days and wonder if I made the right decision. Of course I don't regret it- I've met some incredible people here, including my boyfriend who I like a lot (most days!).

At the same time though, it bothers me a bit, that even one year after this post, my thoughts appear to be no more clear today then they were that day. I still find myself questioning myself and second guessing some of the decisions I've made. My mother has no idea about my blog, but she knows about my uncertainty. She recently said to me "Lex, I really hope that one day, you'll find something that makes you happy."

That being said, I am not unhappy. Sure, everyone has their off days, but most days, I am happy and content with my life and th decisions I've made, but like anyone else, I think, I have days where I just wonder what the heck I am doing and how I got here. I wonder what life might be like if I had accepted that job that was offered to me in Portland, ME before I moved to DC and if I'd be there, living by the ocean with a guy who once had a large piece of my heart. He seems so long ago, and he was, but he had his place in my life and I am glad that I once knew him. What if I had moved to Boston, which was really the original plan? My sister is now in Boston. Maybe we'd be even closer then we are now. Despite the physical difference between us, we are as close as can be, though of course, there are a few secrets that I don't share with her, that I don't share with anyone at all, not even Steve, my mother or my best friend. Like Rose said in Titanic, "a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets," and some of those secrets are not meant to be shared.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2008

I had a meeting with my advisor this afternoon, so I left work a little early. On the way back, I decided to get off at Eastern Market and walk, rather then switch at Metro to go to Union Station like usual. On a whim, I got off at Capitol South instead. It's been a long time since I was at Cap South. As I came up the escalator and Cannon HOB came into view, I began to think about the year I spent working in the Rayburn building. It was my first "real" job, after I finished my Masters. Moving to DC and working on the Hill wasn't really my idea, it wasn't something I wanted, per se. What I mean, is that it wasn't something I really considered initially. When I began looking for jobs, most of my resumes went to NYC and Boston, and a few here and there would come down to DC. I heard about the position with the Congressman through a former supervisor at a past summer internship, and she told me to apply. So I did. I didn't hear anything for a while...then they asked me to interview...then a second interview...and then, several weeks later, after I had accepted a position as the Deputy Campaign Manager for an election in Canada, they offered me the job. I told them about Canada, they said they'd wait for me, that I could come down to DC when the election was over. So that's what I did.

It all seems so surreal now, when I think about it. It feels like it was so long ago, yet it wasn't. July 4 is Independence Day, but it is also the day I moved to DC and began my life here, almost four years ago. While it may not have been the job of my dreams, I enjoyed it (most days!) and learned a lot. When I left the Hill a year later, I thought I knew what I wanted to do. Three years and three jobs later, I'm still not so sure.....