Friday, July 10, 2009

always a bridesmaid


As you may know, I am a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding this October. The wedding will be held in CT. I'll be there in a lovely cinnamon colored dress. There will be two bridal showers; one in CT and one in MA. The MA shower is in mid-August and the CT shower is a few weeks later, in September. Clearly, I cannot go up for both. I plan to go up for the MA shower.

Originally, the MoH had thought we'd have the bachelorette party the same weekend as the MA shower, which worked out well, as I'd be there for the shower anyway. About a week ago, it was discovered that the bride has a prior commitment for that night, so the shower will be moved, most likely to the weekend of the CT shower. Of course, the girls asked if I could come up for that shower instead. I can't though. The CT shower was first slated for the last weekend in August, but was later moved to a couple weeks later, which turned out to be the same day as Heidi's wedding (whose invitation came in the mail today!). Clearly I cannot be in CT that weekend. I explained this to the other girls, I am unable to come up that weekend, but of course, I totally understand the need to have the bachelorette that weekend. I'd be sorry to miss it, but it is the best date for everyone else (oh, all of the other girls live in CT and MA, so they plan to go to both showers).

The MoH is now sending around a chart that we are supposed to fill out with the dates we are available, ideas we have and how much we are willing to contribute to the bachelorette. Here is my question. If I cannot attend the bachelorette, am I still obligated, as a bridesmaid, to contribute to the event? I don't want to come across as unwilling or uncooperative, but I am sending up ideas and doing what I can from miles and miles away.

As I said, I totally understand that they'll have it without me, and that is fine. I would never expect something to be changed just for me, as it is a bit harder for me to get up there. Should I still contribute, financially? How should I approach this?

What would you do?

10 comments:

preppyinnewengland said...

Yes, you are a bridesmaid. If you would rather do something on your own (like pre-arranging something for the group at the bachlorette party or pre party) that would be fine too. But yes, I would say you need to contribute something to your good friend's party. Such a shame the dates can all occur at the same time and one has to decide.

notsojenny said...

i've heard this alot lately (as i read way more wedding stuff than ever) but i never even thought about this before. i was MOH 2x and never asked a bridesmaid for a penny. whether it was showers or bachelorettes, if any one volunteered to help out with the planning or finances i of course let them, but i didn't EXPECT anyone else to do anything.
i guess it depends on the group of girls and what's expected, but if i were a bridesmaid today (which i've vowed to NEVER be again) i would just talk to the MOH and see what she needs help with. i wouldn't assume it's finances, maybe it's organizing something or taking another task off her plate.
just my thoughts

My Kind of Strange said...

I don't think your obligated to contribute and certainly not monetarily! But I would say, as a kind gesture, to contribute in gift form...whatever that might be. Maybe a basket of party favors appropriate for the type of party they are having?

KLC said...

I think it's the bridal party's job to plan the bachelorette party and organize everything, but then the cost gets divided up by everyone who goes and as a group you absorb the bride's portion. Since you aren't going you aren't financially responsible. But since you are in the wedding it's be a nice gesture if you did something... Maybe get a bunch of fun party supplies (boa, beads, crown) and send it to be given to the bride that day- that way she knows you still care even though you can't make it that night.

Playful Professional said...

I've never had anyone that attends pay for a bachelorette party before. I'd say if you can't go, you don't have to help out. I'd probably still get her a gift, but paying for the party? No.

LiLu said...

I would contribute ideas... but not financially. If you're not going, it doesn't seem to make much sense...

Jess said...

I don't know. I felt guilty enough about my bridesmaids paying for travel and lodging for themselves when they came to my wedding. The whole idea of having all these events that these people are forced to contribute to--it just turns me off. Being a bridesmaid is about supporting your friend on an important day, not about going broke throwing nine thousand events in her honor.

However, since everyone is doing it, maybe you should contribute, but not necessarily financially. Can you take on some of the planning or something?

Katelin said...

i think as a bridesmaid you can still share some ideas but if you won't be able to be there i don't think you'd have to give that much financially if any. i say you can contribute when the actual wedding comes around or something. there are plenty of ways to be involved :)

La Petite Belle said...

this sounds like a tough one! i really don't know the rules but maybe you could agree to make something?

brandilicious said...

Good question. I like the ideas above suggesting you provide the favors or something fun like that and help with planning. Beyond that I don't think you should be required to contribute anything financially as you live farther away than all the other girls and will have to pay for travel and lodging for the wedding itself (and the shower?). I think this is perfectly reasonable.