Tuesday, July 7, 2009

to send or not to send

As you know, I am a big fan of mail, both sending and receiving. I send birthday cards, anniversary cards, hello and how are you cards, happy new house cards, get well soon cards, sympathy cards, wedding cards, happy new baby cards, etc etc etc. Really, I should buy stock in Hallmark! I may also be single-handedly keeping the U.S. Postal System in business ;)

This is my dilemma. Like I said, I send cards for every occasion. That includes thank you cards, which is a big deal to me. I think that sending thank you cards is so, so important. Next week is the first wedding anniversary of a high school friend and his new bride. I attended their wedding last July in NH, along with a few other high school friends. I was invited to her bridal shower. I couldn't attend, but sent up what I thought was a really nice gift (a copy of the Cake Love cookbook!) Given that I was his friend first and she and I were not especially close (and frankly, I was surprised I was invited to the shower), I thought that was a nice gift. She never sent a thank you note. The only reason I know she received it is because I tracked the delivery online. I never received any sort of acknowledgement. Then came the wedding, which I traveled to NH for, from DC, of course. Steve came too. We spent time with my family of course, and did the wedding. I brought a gift- two sets of nice wine glasses, a nice bottle of wine and a few other wine related things that I can't recall right now. I don't believe they had a registry, so I wasn't entirely sure what to get them, though I don't do registries anyway, but that is another story.

Again, they never sent a thank you note.

Maybe it is petty of me, but I am really annoyed by their lack of manners and not sending a thank you note or ANY sort of acknowledgement. I took time off work to be there with them and no reply of any kind? I know that technically, you have a year to send thank you notes, but they are also both teachers, so these could have been done so quickly, since they had the summer off!

I've spoken to my other friends who were there and none of them plan to send an anniversary card either, as they are equally annoyed about their not sending thank you notes. I just think it lacks manners, you know? Still though, as bothered as I am, I still feel bad about not sending an anniversary card!

Maybe I should also add that I don't really speak to them all that often anyway. They didn't send me a Christmas card this year either. I am friends with the bride on facebook, but my friend isn't on there at all, so our contact is fairly limited these days. I haven't seen them since the wedding, now that I think about it and when I am home, I have such little time there that I want to spend it with my family and my best friend and godson, since I obviously talk to them all the time. Oh, and my best friend is a high school friend and one of the ones who didn't receive a thank you note either!

Is it wrong of me to feel this way? What would you do? Would you let it slide and send a card? Or just let the day pass like any other?

18 comments:

Rachel said...

Don't send an anniversary card. Thank you cards are common courtesy (and I don't care how well you know someone or not, you send one for every gift), and anniversary cards are going above and beyond, even if they had sent a thank you. Since they didn't, don't waste the postage.

notsojenny said...

how long has it been since the wedding?
i would forgive her not sending a shower thank you note just because some people don't know any better... or maybe she was going to include a line about it in the wedding gift thank you. but if it's been a year and you haven't received a TY note you're obviously not going to get one. it's tacky on their part and shows poor manners and lack of respect.

i would not send an anniversary card, because it's only going to make you more bitter/angry about their lack of acknowledgement (because odds are they won't thank you for that either!)

for me, i'm the kind of person who says i don't need friends who can't be good/decent friends, and i'd write them off completely. i realize i'm sometimes harsh about this, but i don't like to waste my time and effort on people not worth it. so that's what i would do : )

La Petite Belle said...

if I only sent thank you'd to people who send ME thank you's, I would never send any. Unfortunately, people where I live aren't accustomed to writing notes as a thank you. (with the exception of my best friend but she is of course my BFF for a reason)

Jess said...

I can't BELIEVE they didn't send thank-you notes! That is a HUGE part of a wedding and I am totally stuck on the fact that they didn't do it. I would definitely not send an anniversary card. In fact, I don't expect to receive anniversary cards from anyone, even though we sent thank-you notes to everyone who gave us a gift.

Lacey Bean said...

Thank you cards especially if you gave multiple gifts, are common courtesy!! (You just reminded me to write two cards when I get home today!)

I wouldn't send them a card. But then again, I'm vindictive. :)

Christy said...

I think there's an easy answer - send him an email that says, hey I just realized you've been married a year! Did you ever get that cookbook and the wine glasses, etc I gave you?

Heidi said...

i wasn't raised with the habit of sending thank you notes but i do know that sending thank you notes to people for wedding gifts is common courtesy and it's obnoxious that they didn't send them.

a cousin of mine didn't send my family a thank you note after they gave her a nice wedding gift and my mother was incredibly offended.

don't send the anniversary card. they don't deserve it if they can't show you the decency to thank you for your time/gift for their wedding (and shower!!)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I personally think it's rude not to send thank you notes, but some people don't think too much about it. Maybe they're just not card people and therefore it's not really necessary to send them any cards ever. Send good wishes in an e-mail and leave it at that.

This is going to sound very world weary old lady of me, but life is too short to worry about this kind of thing. Just brush it off and send cards to people who will appreciate them.

Melanie said...

It's sad that so many people neglect to send thank you notes these days. I personally feel that thank you notes should be sent any time you receive a gift or nice service, and they should MOST DEFINITELY be sent after a wedding.

I wouldn't connect your sending the anniversary card with your friends' neglect to send thank you notes. Like others have said, remembering someone else's anniversary is going way above and beyond, but if you'd like to send the card as a gesture of continued friendship or if you just want to continue being that nice person that remembers special occasions in the lives of others, go ahead and send it.

Mel said...

Okay the bridal shower I would let slide but the wedding thank you?!?!

Don't send the card.

P.S. E-Mail me your address I am updating my addressbook to send stuff out :).

Princess Freckles said...

Do not send them a card! i think its rude, rude, rude to not send a Thank You note! I have a friend who does this, and I find it a bit annoying too. I say, if you still haven't received a note from them, you really shouldn't feel badly for not sned the anniversary card.

Playful Professional said...

I wouldn't typically send them a card for their anniversary but I'm not the best person to ask. But I would save the card for someone you just feel like saying hi to.

brandilicious said...

Wow - not sending a thank you card for wedding gifts is pretty rude! My mother-in-law is the queen of Thank You cards so I learned a lot from her and send thank yous for everything. I even make some of my friends a set of Thank You cards and pass the envelopes around for people to write their addresses so there are no excuses!

For our first anniversary one of my bridesmaids didn't acknowledge the anniversary with a card or call or email and it hurt. I swore that I wouldn't send her a card for her anniversary but I'm a lot like you - it would bother me if I didn't.

You could always send the card and write in it that you hope they received your gift and have enjoyed it in the first year of marriage. A little passive-aggressive but it needs to be out there I think!

The Northerner said...

Wow, I can't believe they didn't send a thank you note for either gift. If it was just one or the other I might be inclined to think maybe in the craziness that is a wedding they happened to not write one on accident, but two makes me think that is not the case. And you said your other friends didn't get thank you notes either right? So they must not have done them at all. Wow, so inappropriate!

I can't believe how worked up I am getting over this. Haha.

Pretty Personal Gifts said...

I don't think you should send an anniversary card. Just my 2 cents. Don't give it too much thought. It sounds like you are in good company with the other people who didn't receive any. No sense wasting any more time on this couple.

preppyinnewengland said...

Oh manners lacking indeed!
However, I hate holding grudges and your passion and classy approach is sending notes to people you know who are celebrating something special big or small. I would only send once a year.

La Petite Chic said...

Oh, how rude! I, too, think that thank you notes are of the utmost importance and I definitely wouldn't send them an anniversary card. Unless it was to casually ask them how they liked their wedding gift, but I can be petty like that :)

anOCgirl said...

i'm clearly weighing in a little late (i've got some serious catching up to do with my google reader) but this post made me really angry. i too believe that thank you cards are a must when receiving a gift. moreover, i feel that TY cards are an obligation after a wedding. so for you to receive nothing after two gifts is ridiculous and rude.

as far as sending an anniversary card...well, you probably already made a decision. but i think it depends on whether you want to keep a connection with the couple. seeing as that they were ungrateful with so many of their other friends as well makes it seem like they might not care to make an effort. which is sad but wrong. :(