Thursday, December 31, 2009

friends to the end, not so much

Remember this post, where I talked about how I lost a friend? Since then, nothing has changed. She did one day reply to the facebook message I had sent, indicating that she removed me so that she wouldn't have to see photos of him in her news feed. This came after St. Patricks Day when a group of us went to a winery for an event there, an event that she was invited to as well. I told her that I understood, we exchanged a few messages and then they abruptly ended. We've had no contact since.

I decided to send her a Christmas card, just to let he know that I was thinking of her and hoping that she was doing well (I sent out a whopping four Christmas cards this year. Please don't hate me because you didn't get one! I'll be better next year, I promise).

While I was in NH and IA, I had the post office hold all of my mail and it was all delivered yesterday, most of it being Christmas cards. One of them was the card that I had sent her. It was unopened and on the front, she wrote "refused. return to sender."

Refused. My Christmas card was refused. Bah humbug indeed.

I couldn't believe it, and it made me a bit sad. Granted, I was not expecting a response from her, nor did I think we'd be friends again, but I certainly didn't think she would send it back. It just seemed a bit cold and harsh to me. I do understand that she's moved on and doesn't want to be reminded of him in any way, but regardless, I was still a bit hurt. If it were me, I would never refuse a card. I may not open it, I may hide it somewhere or just throw it away, but I would not refuse it.

Something like this happened to me once before, though I was on the other side. In college, I was good friends with a girl who shared the same name as me. We were good friends sophomore year and part of junior year and then something happened and we were no longer friends. I don't remember all of the details now, but it had to do with her lying to me and others, among other things. Just like that, we weren't friends. I went off to Luxembourg that spring and then I saw her sometimes during senior year, as we had the same major, so at least one class together. We didn't talk, but were cordial to one another. After graduation, I went off to Poland and when I came home for the holidays, I found that she had sent me a Christmas card. I remember being very surprised about it, but pleased, though I wasn't ready to reply to her at the time. I put it away somewhere with the intention of writing her later, but never did. I certainly didn't refuse the card. It just seems like extra effort to return it, instead of just letting it go.

Am I overreacting or taking this too personally? Have you ever been in a situation like this?

16 comments:

Jackie said...

that is bizarre!!

Mrs. Potts said...

Wow

I've never been in a situation like this & I can only imagine that it must hurt!

Mrs. Potts said...

PS: I wouldn't have refused the card either!

Playful Professional said...

Wow, refused and sent back? I wouldn't ever think about doing something like that. Throwing a card away sure, but sending it back? Crazy.

Jess said...

I have to say, I find this a little insane. It sounds like she decided she didn't want to be friends with you anymore, with no obvious reason and no explanation, and instead of just throwing away the card if she didn't want to see it, she refused it and sent it back? First of all, I didn't know you could DO that. Second of all, the only reason to do that is pure spite. She wanted you to KNOW that she didn't read your card, and that's why she returned it to sender. And yet she never bothered to explain to you exactly what the problem was? Sounds like she's being immature and spiteful, and as painful as it might be, you're probably better off without her.

midnight macaroons said...

Are you still friends with the ex boyfriend? I read the previous post and it sounds to me that she is still angry about the break up. There's probably a lot that happened that hasn't been shared with you. You know how ugly break ups can be. Something similar happened to me when my cousin got divorced. His ex-wife had been in our family for years (we were close). But she wanted nothing to do with us afterwards. Even though we didn't pick sides.

I think your friend is hurt and angry and probably thinks the ex has told you private things about their relationship (maybe things she doesn't want out). If so, she would cut everyone off. Including the innocent party (you). That's really childish to do so but I gaurantee it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes in life we didn't make the mess but we surely have to deal with it (not fair).

I'm sorry you had this happen to you. You seem like a really nice person and by sending the Christmas card it shows you think of others. No doubt you're a good friend. This lash out was not about you but it still stings.

Jill said...

Oh gosh, I'm sorry this happened. It would hurt my feelings too. She could've just kept the card and not responded. There was no need to send it back. Yuck. Oh well, she's missing a good friendship.

Salesdiva said...

How petty and spiteful. Wow. I can understand that she is upset about her breakup...but still and filled with that much bytchassedness. All I can say is Wow.

Her loss, not yours.

Kristin said...

What a bummer. I lost a lot of friends when my ex and I broke up. We had all been friends since high school and they were boys, so they went with him. It still makes me sad.

notsojenny said...

just playing devil's advocate here but maybe she thought she was doing the right thing. i mean if she had just thrown it away you would have never known and maybe you would have continued to send her cards every year and maybe she didn't want to deal with getting a card she didn't want every year so she assumed return to sender was the best way to let you know not to waste your stamps.
i know it seems bitter and all but everyone sees these things differently... just sayin

Mzchef said...

That really sucks. You aren't over-reacting. Don't send her any more cards. That isn't a cool thing to do. However, her message really couldn't be more clear. This kind of think happened to me with Suzanne from High school. Weird.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Maris said...

That really stinks but know that you're the bigger and better person for making the effort to reach out.

Beth Dunn said...

Oh honey, yes. I'm so sorry as my pain was years ago and yes time heals all wounds. She is trying to hurt you by doing that. Stay strong. xoxo
SC

Mzchef said...

Oh, I meant, it wasn't cool of her to return your card... not that is was uncool of you to send it. YOu know what I mean. xxoo

Meg said...

Refusing a card is definitely cold, harsh and, to be honest, pretty passive-aggressive to me. Like you said, she could have just thrown it away if she truly didn't want to read it! It took effort to refuse it -- and was a move to be hurtful. Sounds like you're much better off without that drama in your life!

But kudos for being sweet and making the attempt... I'm sure I would have done the same! And have done the same, really... I've had friendships sour over the years and still tried to extend that ol' olive branch every once in a while. Until I decided I wasn't going to worry about anyone who wasn't worrying about me! Bah.